Fighting For A Cause

Last week I was officially diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, I say ‘officially’ because I saw my doctor six months ago and we both believed that would be the likely prognosis, but it has taken 6 months to have it confirmed by a neurologist. In that time I have been on a bit of a roller-coaster journey that has been full of deep drops and steep climbs, and I expect this will continue as I learn to live with my progressing symptoms.

Having a diagnosis has at least created a plateau of relief in the knowledge that I am not being a hypochondriac, and it has enabled me to lift my head up and tell my friends with confidence that this is where I am. But it does not come without fears for the future and a heap load of self doubt.

My first response to the doctor back in August was:
“Well that is interesting.”

If you are thinking that is a strange response then I agree, I also thought it strange and it led me down a path of self-analysis (not always an easy place to go). So, I am going to be very candid here, my first question was “Is this the badge I am going to wear that gives me recognition in the world?” and the second was “Am I so desperate for recognition that I would create a terminal illness to have it?”

To be absolutely honest, I don’t have an answer to either question, which makes writing this post a very vulnerable place to be. But it also feels important to declare it because it has been the first step in a new exploration of true self worth which I hope to be able to talk about with deeper clarity at some point in the future.

The first place my questions took me to was shame, followed by a desperate need to hide and retreat from the world. I have been living in a cocoon only emerging occasionally when I felt confident enough to do so. The second place it has taken me to is fear, bringing in further questions: “If that is my truth, then how deep will I dive before I emerge?” and “If I am choosing this as my path to overcome adversity, will I succeed?”

From that place, the next step was self-criticism and, oh boy, I am pretty good at that! I won’t even begin to tell you the truly horrible things I have said about myself. It is enough to say I would never want anyone else to be so terribly mean to themselves or anyone else. However, waking up to that inner critic is the first step in recovery, and this is where I am at the moment.

People say you can’t love anyone else until you learn to love yourself. I am not sure I believe that. I know I have a lot more love, forgiveness and compassion for others than I do for myself. I have a tendency to believe that others are better than me which means it can take me a while to recover when I have been deeply hurt, but even in that place I usually acknowledge that everyone is doing there best given their perspective on life. I have not been so compassionate with myself.

Now is the time for me to accept that I am also doing my best and if the first stage of dealing with Parkinson’s is to take it on as a mission, then so be it. Along the way I am learning to slow down and take care of myself, accept love from those around me, appreciate what I have and focus on staying positive about the future. If sharing that with the world has the slightest chance of helping someone else, then maybe it is not such a bad thing.

2 Comments

  • Carole

    Well done Cheryl. But you know many of the things you talk about, including the level of self criticism and doubt, are common to most women, and I think probably to men too. An old boss of mine believed that the real waste for most of us in the world was the extent to which we stop ourselves from being – I want to say fabulous, but that’s not it. There is a quote, wait, I have found it…’who am I to be brilliant gorgeous talented fabulous…actually, who are you not to be. ‘ I think the words he used were different, and the meaning was more to do with creativity, problem solving, and self belief, but it had a strong impact on me. And the meaning was that by not accepting our wonderful uniqueness and talents we stifle the contributions that we can make to the world. It is hard to accept the changes life deals us, but perhaps through this blog and your own discoveries you can truly help others too. This is not really coming out the way I meant it too, and also is not really saying what I wanted either, which is thank you for your honesty and bravery.

    • SimpliBee

      Carole, thank you for your lovely comment. I agree, we all have that pesky inner critic, and it feels good to call it out and stand up to it. I know that quote well and it often comes to mind when I see others holding themselves back. How easy it is to see the light in others and not see it in ourselves. You would think after 30+ years of personal development I would have mastered that, but alas I am still a work in process. Thank you again.